Racism once again..

I got married and I had three beautiful children, then one morning when our eldest child was nine years old things started to change. Something had entered our life that we as a family unit had no control over. Suddenly we had become 'the Chinese family'. I'm of white English heritage and my husband is Chinese. Born in the British territory of Hong Kong, he moved to the UK - as was his rite as a British citizen (he holds a UK passport having being born in the British Empire) when he was two years old.

When I met him and fell in love with him I didn't see a 'Chinese man'. I saw a beautiful soul full of passion and love and warmth. Someone who accepted me, nurtured, comforted me and loved me despite my many, many problems.

Of course I knew that he was Chinese but my point is that I didn't see that. 

Now I know that the reason that I din't see it is because I am not racist.

I don't see a person's colour, I see their heart and their soul and I am slowly but surely realising that this is not a universal human trait.

I blogged back in June about an incident involving FunnyGirl at school and despite their faultless zero tolerance attitude we once again find ourselves being singled out due to the behaviour of a few children.

I should be saying that I am very proud of the way that Sonny handled the situation last week. He calmly took the abuse and then reported it to a dinner lady. I told him that I was proud of him for rising above it when I really wanted to tell him that he should have smashed the little shites in the face.

I want to smash the little shites in the face. But I'm not allowed to do that because then I would be the one in the wrong.

Again I find myself in the situation of having to speak with parents that I class as friends and again it seems that I made another wrong friendship choice. After all - they have an Indian family next door and they are very good friends with them.

I know that I shouldn't make this about me - after all I'm not the one having to take the racism face on but I'm the one that has taken on the fight. Yan's had this for his whole life and he's kind of resigned to it. Why wouldn't he be after over 40 years of daily abuse? But for me it's something that has just landed right in the middle of my little world and blown it apart.

I don't get it. I just do not see why the fact that someone is Chinese, green, blue, black or two headed is something to be ridiculed. But what I do know is that my children are becoming tainted by the views of others and when it comes to who you are - that just isn't fair.

The positive side to this sorry tale is that we do feel supported by the school but we are also aware that they can only have so much influence. Children can be taught things at school but if they go home to parents teaching them to sing "Chinese, Japanese, what are these dirty knees (enter the name of any of my children) stinks" then where is the hope? 

I've always said that children are not born racist and whilst it could be argued that things are done in innocence or jest I have to point out that following the incidents in June a whole school assembly on racism plainly explained that it simply isn't acceptable to taunt, tease or single anyone out in life.

Clearly this subject is very close to my heart. I would love to hear from other people. Not just parents about their experiences with racism.

I didn't have the best childhood but I clearly didn't grow up with race issues. Is that a learnt behavior? Are parents to blame? What can I do to help my children to overcome this? 

All advice warmly welcomed. I need it. xx
Related posts: Shocked to the core
Chinky

Dear Tree and others

Dear Beautiful Tree of mine,

Against my better judgement and despite my love of your sheer beauty I have called the highways department to inform them of your demise. Please don't hold it against me as they will be coming to put you to rest next week.

Love always

xo xo

Dear Wind.

Please, please, please take a rain check on any sever blowy activity around these parts for the next week or so. Dead tree is not looking too good and if you blow him too hard he'll end up in my office and then I will be mad.

Yours - Bad Ass Mummy.

Dear Girls,

It is actually an honor to have been cast as the King's Twins in The King & I. I know that it is a total drain on you having to actually look at each other / touch each other / stand next to each other and smile at each other without each other to drop dead. Remember - without her you would be a lowly child at the back of the stage and not standing next to the King.

love Mum.

x

Dear Parent,

Thank you for informing me by text today that your child came home from school with a yellow card for calling my son a Chinky. I appreciate your honesty and I hope that you appreciate the fact that it took every ounce in his body not to punch your son in the face.

xx

Sian.

Do stop by 3 Bedroom Bungalow for more Dear So and So posts - they rock!

Chinky......

It has been a pretty full on emotional day here... Yan was in  London and I managed to eat myself to bits trying to get my head around the racism that had tainted my day.

When he arrived home, the first thing he said was that he had read my post and that he had a reply and would I post it?

So this is racism through his eyes.... and in his words....

Your comments as always are greatly appreciated.

Chinky

I have lived in-spite of racism for all of my life. I came to the United Kingdom when I was two years old. Just a baby really with the naivety that comes from a lack of life experience. At that time there were a lot less ethnic minorities than is the case now. It was not unusual for me to be the only one in the various schools I went to as my parents relocated several times due to my fathers studies (He has a PhD in Physics). For as long as I can remember I have faced taunts, be it in the form of the "Chinese, Japanese" rhyme, Chinky or other things I don't feel right to share. Most of the time they were said when I had my back to the taunters but that was not always the case. I have been spat on and threatened. Imagine a small boy of five. A boy that looked different from other boys. A boy that just wanted to fit in as most kids do. I tried to teach myself how to make myself small and almost invisible in my mind. The truth is that it only made me stand out more as they now saw me as the timid, soft target, Chinese boy. I confess I was ashamed and angry to be Chinese and wished I could be like everyone else.

As I grew older I learned how to avoid groups of people but inevitably in life there are occasions when it is inevitable. This may sound really stupid but I started smoking because of this. I always lit a cigarette before walking past a group of kids just to show them how tough I was. Face facing the pavement, cigarette in hand and fast walking.

When I went to University  I worked in the bar of a hotel called the Last Drop Village in Bolton. The manager used to call me Mister King. Why? Because he could then add various christian names like Fu and Wan to this. I endured this for three years. Most of my colleagues thought it was very funny when he would call out his name for me in front of customers. In fact some of them joined in. You may ask yourself why did I work there for so long? In truth I was so used to name calling that I didn't think that other places would be any different. I also needed the money. There is also the Chinese way, which means minimal fuss.

So how has this affected me. Ask yourself how would this affect you or your child? I find groups of Anglo Saxons intimidating, be it in a pub, street or recently at a car boot sale. Every time I walk past a group of kids, I expect to be taunted. I think it didn't help that my parents did not integrate me with other Chinese kids, so I had no shared experiences or anything that would have changed my path to what it is today. Chinky is a word which makes me feel sick. People round here use that word to describe a Chinese takeaway. That word has been used in my presence and in conversation without consideration to how I might feel. My mistake is that I accept that and wait for the subject to be changed like a good subservient boy.

Often my only retreat is in myself, so yes I am self reflective. I am introverted. I was nervous of what people will say. I have been accused on many occasions of not being a people person but in truth, how can I be. I am very guarded because it would shock you all to hear where racism exists.

But having said all of that, I am the luckiest person alive. I have a beautiful wife and family who I love beyond measure. I am now a full on fashion designer. I no longer give a damn about being different. Funnily, one of the reasons I love fashion is that it is the only place where I am accepted totally for what I am. The fashion world with all its eccentricities is the only place I have ever felt at home.

So now it has touched my children. Now I am supposed to accept that the world has not got any better?

I don't expect you to understand racism unless you have faced it yourself. You cannot know what it is really like and how it affects the psyche. What I would appreciate is a moment of reflection on how you would feel if your child was made to feel worthless and a freak. I live in hope that there will be a world where differences are celebrated and not used to humiliate.

I have never spoke of this before.

"THEY CAME FIRST for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

THEN THEY CAME for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

THEN THEY CAME for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

THEN THEY CAME for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up."

 Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)

Shocked to the core

A couple of weeks ago, when we were out as a family something happened that I fear has changed my children's view of the world forever and as this chain of events unfolds I become more shocked and sickened by the attitudes of the people around us who have been masquerading as our friends.

It started out as a regular Sunday but as soon as we arrived at the boot sale my husband was being trailed by a gang of teenagers who were hurling racial abuse and insults at him. Being Chinese, this is something that he has had to deal with since he was a child. He is 'expected' to take it on the chin, rise above it, laugh it off. For him, this is a fact of life.

In the car on the way home came shock number two as six year old FunnyGirl said....

"Mummy, I've just realised that when my friends at school sing those horrible songs about me being Chinese and pull their eyes, that they are being really mean to me - just like those boys were being to daddy - and I don't like it."

It transpires that the main culprits are two of her 'best' friends and as I would class their mums as my good friends I saw no issue in speaking to them about it.

Mum 1. Perfect response. We spoke about it, she spoke to her daughter. She explained to her that things you say can be hurtful to people, even if you aren't trying to be mean and she asked me to let her know straight away if it happened again.

She handled the situation respectfully.

Mum 2. Took what I said to her as a personal attack - which was far from the truth. I explained that I didn't want my children to be ashamed of their Chinese heritage.

"But they are beautiful, stunning children - why would they be?" she replied.

Beauty it seems is only skin deep as I was then told that it is perhaps a good thing that they get used to this now...... if they are going to have to deal with it for the rest of their lives.

WHAT???????

Children are not born racists. They take on the attitudes and views of the people close to them who mold and shape them. And it was at that moment that I realised how little you actually know the people you call friends.

For the first time, I have questioned if having mixed race children was a selfish decision and that makes me really angry with myself. Our family was created out of love and race or colour was never once mentioned yet it seems that my beautiful children will be defined by it forever.

I know that the six year old girls involved didn't say those things in the same deliberate manner as the teenage boys but it all starts somewhere.

"We can't change the world.." the mum said.

Tell that to Nelson Mandella.

Update...
After reading all of the comments to this post I would like to thank every one of you for your support. I needed it today. FACT.
I have an appointment with the teachers at school in the morning - and I will update you to their reaction..... because did you know??? Our school has a zero tolerance to bullying policy.

In addition to this please read this amazing, sad, angry, thought provoking post from my husband.